Los Angeles seems so lively, even at midnight, I thought to myself as I was driving home after the X-Factor’s semi finals live results show. Marcus was in the bottom fighting for survival the past 3 weeks and his time on the show had come to an end. I was sort of mentally able to prepare myself for his departure, but that didn’t stop me from getting emotional during the live show. Constantly yawning, I knew I was exhausted from the long day that I had full of press, interviews, and meetings so I turned my radio on in hopes that it would keep me awake for the last 5 miles before I reached home. All I could think about was how I couldn’t wait to get under my covers, close my eyes and drift off to sleep.

About 10 minutes later, I pulled into my driveway, and made my way towards my front door. As I entered my foyer, I was greeted by my four yapping Chihuahuas who should have been sleeping by now! I love coming home to my cute little loving fur balls every day! After playing with Thumbelina, Bessie Moo, Tinkerbell, and Tulip, I trudged up the stairs, washed up for bed and set my alarm for the next morning. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I heard my phone ring. I rolled over to the other side of the bed where I had carelessly tossed my phone a few minutes earlier, and saw Simons name appear on the screen. That’s weird, I thought as I answered the phone, Simon never calls this late.

“Hey Simon! Is everything okay?”

‘Pawler” he said, his voice sounding worried, “Thank god you answered. Listen Paula, Mezhgan got terribly upset with me and left. I just really need to talk to someone dear. Would you mind if I picked you up right now and maybe we can go for a quick drive?”

“Oh, Simon! I’m so sorry. Of course sweetheart, come on over. I’ll make us some tea and you can vent. You’re also welcome to stay in my spare bedroom if you don’t want to drive back home late.”

“Thank you darling. I’ll see you in a half hour.”

With that, I rolled out of bed, put on sweat pants and made my way into the kitchen to make hot ginger tea knowing that was Simon’s absolute favorite. I knew Simon was very upset this time because very rarely does he talk about his problems, and when he does, you know they are seriously affecting him. This was one of the many tidbits I learned about him over the past ten years.

My dogs ran to the front door barking when the doorbell rang and I followed after them. As soon as the door opened, before I could say a single word, Simon pulled me into his arms and thanked me for being a great friend as well as making him ginger tea. I reassured him that it wasn’t a big deal and I would do anything for him no matter what time of day it was.

“As much as you can drive me absolutely insane, I know I can count on you” Simon confessed. I giggled and rolled my eyes while playfully slapping him.

Only Simon was able to put a negative twist on a nice complement I thought, but that’s what made him Simon and I loved every bit of it.

We looked at each other silently for what seemed like an hour but in reality, it was probably 30 seconds. I was contemplating if I should ask about what is bothering him or if I should wait for him to tell me. A few seconds later, I opened my mouth to speak but I was cut off by Simon spilling the contents of his painful night.

“I just can’t do it anymore with Mezghan. I honestly thought she was the one. I used to enjoy my time with her and look forward to seeing her but as time goes on and our marriage approaches, I see the relationship as more of a chore. We fight more than we have ever before. Somedays, I feel like I am meeting her for the first time, she does not seem at all like the person I thought I fell in love with.” He blurted.

“Take a breath, Simon. You’re probably just frustrated. Did something happen today causing you to fight? You seemed pretty happy today with her backstage after the show…”

Truthfully, I didn’t like Mezghan and I especially hated the way that she treated Simon. Whenever she spoke, it sounded so condescending and snotty.

Simon genuinely sounded sad and hurt. I could not even remember the last time that I saw him like this but he looked perplexed, and gloomy. His facial expression reminded me of a three year child who’s favorite stuffed animal was taken away and shredded right in front of his eyes.  “I mean, I wasn’t happy back stage. I haven’t been happy for a couple of months now. I just kept telling myself that it will get better. I blamed myself for working long hours for the downfall of our relationship. But, it isn’t me, it’s her.”

I felt sorry for him. I had noticed that he wasn’t the same, but I figured that it was probably because he’s producing a huge show, and planning a wedding for hundreds and hundreds of people. I even mentioned it to him a few times when we were alone asking why he seems different lately but he would always make some silly joke about how I should focus on more important things making sense when I speak. I loved the playful relationship we shared and I often worried that his marriage to Mezghan would possibly change that. I don’t know her much but from what I have seen, she seems possessive and she is definitely not a fan of Simon and my flirty friendship.

“Simon, It’s hard seeing you like this”, I said, “You have told me many times that she was the one you wanted to marry. Why the sudden change in thought?”

“So many reasons changed my mind, darling. Way too many to dwell into, or we’ll be here all night. Don’t stay up for me, love. Go to sleep. Your eyes are drooping and I don’t want to stare at dark circles all day tomorrow.”

“Oh, shut up Simon!”, I giggled. “Really, I don’t mind talking. It will help you calm down! We’ll head to bed in an hour and I am forbidding you to drive home at this hour. It’s almost 1:30 am.. would you like some more tea?”

We talked some more about Mezghan, and after a while, he told me that he would give it another month and see if he notices any improvement. If he is still unhappy, he would make the decision at that time. I promised him that I would be a phone call or a 20 minute drive away if he ever felt the need to talk. On that note, we went upstairs and I showed him the guest bedroom and bathroom a few doors away from mine. I handed him some towels and showed him other necessities he might need in the morning and started walking towards the door.

Before I was out into the hallway, I felt Simon hugging me from behind. I smiled to myself as I turned my head and buried my face into his neck. Damn! He always smelled so good almost like a woodsy, clean, fresh scent.

“I really do appreciate it”, he whispered.

“Not a problem”, I whispered back as I pulled myself out of his hug. “Goodnight, sweetheart”

“Goodnight, Pawler” he said right before he turned out the lights. 

Today was the big day. My first real, official date with Simon Cowell. It felt so weird to say it out loud which was the reason why I hadn’t told anyone yet, not even my sister. It was probably a good idea not to make a big deal out of something that we had no idea of how it was going to work out. Plus, I was worried about what people would think. The last thing I needed was to be accused of being the reason for Mezghan and Simon’s breakup, or worse, that we were using our relationship as a publicity stunt. The feelings were mutual, the emotions were real. There was nothing questionable about it.

The day began as normally as it could. I had nothing to do so I took my puppies for a long walk around the neighborhood and I met with my trainer. I called my cousin to explain that something came up and asked if we could reschedule dinner. I usually feel horrible for bailing on people last minute, but this date was different. I tried to eat some lunch, but I was nervous about the plans I had for dinner. I had the first date jitters all over again and I didn’t experience them this strong since high school. Wow! I must really like him more than I thought I did, I wondered out loud. I wanted to call Simon so badly because it’s what I typically did when I was uneasy or edgy, but this time I couldn’t because he was the source of my nervousness.

It wasn’t a bad type of nervous like you feel before a dentists appointment, but more of the feeling you get when something you’ve waited for your entire life finally comes true. One of my many wishes was coming true. I was ecstatic. Why not send him a quick text, I thought. No harm in that, right?

Paula: Hey, Si. How are you?
Simon: I am well. I am looking forward to our dinner date tonight. We’re still on, right?
Paula: Yes! Where are we going?
Simon: I was thinking Tierra Sur. It’s Mediterranean cuisine and absolutely delicious. Maybe movies at my place after dinner?
Paula: Yum! Sounds wonderful! And depends on the movie we watch :P
Simon: How about I let you pick the movie, love?
Paula: I like the way you think! See you tonight!
Simon: Don’t get used to me giving in so easily! Next time you’ll have to work for it. I’ll pick you up at 7:30.

I was literally spinning in circles as I went into my room deciding on the perfect outfit to wear tonight. I decided on a short navy blue and white dress with black tights with a floral pattern cutout and the new pair of Louboutins that I brought yesterday.

I looked in the mirror for the last time while glancing at my clock. Simon will be arriving any minute not, I thought and at 7:30 on the dot, my doorbell rang. I was in awe at how perfect he was arriving at the exact minute he promised. I took my time getting to the door in order to avoid looking desperate and trying to hide the fact I had been ready and waiting for him for the past half hour.

“You look stunning” Simon complemented. “…gorgeous.. beautiful.. absolutely perfect”

I could feel my face turning red. “You don’t look so bad yourself”

I grabbed the hand he was holding out for me. He could be such a gentleman and he was more chivalrous than any other man I had ever dated. He opened my car door, held open the door to the restaurant, and pulled out my chair before taking a seat.

“Wow, Simon, I’m impressed! No wonder your exes were head over heels for you! You treat them like royalty!”

“Not everyone, dear. Just you” He winked. That wink always made me melt. Simon had me laughing through the entire dinner. Before we knew it, we were walking around in the sultry air, his arm around my back. We stopped at a beautiful fountain and sat for a while as we talked about how much we enjoyed each other’s company. The place was dead, no one around besides maintenance workers who were sweeping.

“Wow, it’s already 11:00. I don’t want this day to end. It went beyond my expectations. Thank you, Simon. I had a great time.”

“The night is still young.. let’s go back to my place and have some fun.”

I wasn’t sure what Simon meant by that, but I agreed.

We both leaned in for a long, passionate kiss. I felt his soft skin against my face as our lips came in contact. As he was sucking on my bottom lip, I opened my mouth a little wider. I felt his tongue moving deeper and deeper into my mouth. I tilted my head at the same time he did as our tongues intertwined. We took a quick breath for air and continued right where we left off. He was running his hands down my back as I moved my tongue freely in his mouth. I placed my hands around his neck mid breath and moved myself onto his lap and we continued for a little while longer until we were interrupted by fireworks shooting in the sky right above us.

We walked around trying to find where they were coming from but had no luck. It was absolutely magical.

The drive home was quite nice. We did hit some traffic on the freeway but Simon said he knew a shortcut to get home. The road we were taking was pleasantly quiet with trees on either side. No other car was in sight and the view was phenomenal. The only light visible was coming from Simon’s high beams.

I felt a large, soft hand cover my smaller hand. I turned my head to the left and saw Simon’s million dollar smile and dazzling eyes looking at me.

I felt like the luckiest girl in California.

Our fingers were entangled as we discussed how we were going to hide ourselves from the public. He gave my hand a little squeeze and didn’t say a word and that was all the reassurance I needed. I’m not sure how he was going to do it, but I knew he had a plan.

I was gazing out my window and listening to Simon hum the Frank Sinatra song playing on the radio while thinking of the fabulous night ahead. I smiled to myself as I pushed the naughty thoughts of undressing Simon out of my mind.

All of the sudden, I felt the car coming to a screeching halt. A SUV was coming towards us head on and it looked like it wasn’t going to stop. My life flashed before my eyes in a split second. I heard the sound of the tire burning against the pavement and felt my whole body jerk forward. Simon squeezed my hand a little tighter and we were both screaming at the top of our lungs.

“Move Right! Move right!” I was hysterical.

I felt Simon let go of me and I saw him put both hands on the wheel turning it rapidly. The car swerved but it was too late.

I opened my eyes, unsure of what just occurred. I saw flashing lights everywhere and felt a man trying to pull me out the window. After coming to my senses, I became even more panicked. Simon. Was he okay? All I wanted to do was be in his arms. Tears welled up in my eyes and I began sobbing. The paramedic began asking me a lot of questions but I could not answer them until I knew Simon wasn’t hurt.

“Are you okay, ma’am?”

“I-I’m fine. Bleeding a little” I said as I wiped the blood on my dress. My tights were shredded and I could already see a bruise forming where my knee hit the dashboard. “Where is Simon? Is he alright?”

“Ma’am…”

I cut him off “I need Simon. I have to know where he is. You need to tell me if he is okay. He HAS to be okay.” I sad uncontrollably sobbing.

Usually when I wake up, the house is completely silent besides the occasional barking from my puppies. Today, I heard the shower running and some singing. SINGING? Simon Cowell, SINGING?! I couldn’t believe it! I grabbed my blackberry and pulled up the voice recorder while running into the guest bedroom. I quietly tip-toed to the bathroom door and pressed record on my phone. I tried muffling my laughter, and stayed there for 30 seconds before I stopped the recording and went into my room to take a shower. That recording will serve for great blackmail, I thought, especially when he jokingly mocks my judging style. I couldn’t wait to play it back for him when he was least expecting it and see his normally pale complexion turn a shade of rosy red as a result of embarrassment. He was so cute when he was uncomfortable!

Since today was only a day of press, I decided to wear a purple dress that hugged my body in all of the right places. It was my go to dress that always kept me feeling confident. I quickly fixed my hair, sprayed my body with Chanel, and grabbed my handbag, shoes, and cell phone before going downstairs. I was expecting to see Simon already waiting for me and probably complaining about how it takes me forever to get ready. After screaming his name a few times, I went back upstairs to see if he was still cleaning up and getting dressed. He was gone. The bed was made, the bag that he had brought was gone… it looked like no one had used the room in months. I rushed to the window to verify that he had left, and indeed, his car was no longer there either.

I was actually a little hurt that he didn’t at least say goodbye or tell me he was leaving. I wondered why he left so quickly considering we were both going to the same place. We had even talked last night about grabbing breakfast together. I tried to push this thought out of my mind, but it continued to linger while I drank my coffee, drove to the studio, and got my hair and makeup done. I couldn’t help but wonder if I had said something wrong or offensive and immediately I tried playing the entire night out in my head to make sure that I hadn’t accidently slipped out some of my opinions about Mezghan. I don’t think I said anything, and we both did go to sleep quite happily, well I could speak for myself at least, but I just thought it was rude to leave without a word, a note, a text, anything. Any form of communication at this point would have been better.

Right on cue, I heard Mezghan’s high pitched annoying, whiny voice screaming my name as if I wasn’t only 5 feet away from her.

“Yes?” I answered. I was wondering why she was even there. Didn’t Simon and her have a rough night causing him to end up sleeping over my house? And if she was here in front of my face, where was he? Why wasn’t he with her? As a matter of fact, why haven’t I seen him around the studio yet or heard his voice delegating tasks to members of the staff?” So many questions were running through my head.

“Can we talk?” Her voice sounded cold.

“Sure. “ I answered reluctantly, unsure of what she wanted from me. I usually became friends with Simon’s exes, even best friends, but something about her was off putting. “Wanna talk in my dressing room?” I said as I opened the door wide enough for both of us to enter. “Have you seen Simon around?” I asked, hoping to find out the answer to the question I was wondering about for the past couple of hours.

“Yes. He’s in his dressing room” she said and her eyes gazed at the ceiling. My eyes followed hers, but I saw nothing there besides the cream colored paint that was freshly applied to my walls a week ago. “Paula”, she continued, “There are rumors going around. I believe them 100 percent. The way you look at Simon completely gives it away. You want him. Be honest with me. Did you and Simon hook up? Make out? Sleep together?”

“WHAT?” I  exclaimed, “No way!” I was so shocked. I could not believe she asked me this question. “Are you joking? What would make you think that?”

“Well, people are talking, and that’s the word on the street.” Mezghan responded rolling her eyes as if I was trying to fool her.

I was appalled that she would even think that I would sleep with a man who was engaged to another woman, no matter how much I disliked her. Truth be told, Simon and I did talk about a future between us after I left American Idol and before he started dating Mezghan. It was just not the right time because I was just getting over my break up with J.T. and he had broken up with Terri not too long before that. I always had some feelings for him and often fantasized what could take place between us, but I never took the chance and told him how I truly felt. I was afraid he wouldn’t feel the same way and our friendship would be ruined, so I never brought it up. When other people would talk about Simon and me, I always pushed the thought away and pretended to be disgusted at the mere mention of his name. I guess that’s why I was hurt this morning when he left without saying good bye.

“Those rumors aren’t true, and quite frankly, I think it’s disgusting that you would believe something like that enough to question me.”

“It was just a question, Paula.”

“Well, Mezghan, you got your answer. You have nothing to worry about.”

Mezghan made her way to my dressing room door, and without saying goodbye, she exited and closed the door behind her. Or was it more of a slam? Hmm, that’s two times today that I was walked out on, I thought. Thank god I didn’t get the chance to mention that he was at my house last night. I was almost certain that she would have had my head chopped off, stuffed, and hung on her wall so she could use my face as a dart board.

I was gathering all of my stuff when I heard a soft knock on my door. “Come in!” I yelled.

The door opened, and there stood Simon holding out a bouquet of dozen roses and a Starbucks coffee.

“Good morning Paula. Here is your favorite - A grande caramel macchiato with one shot of espresso. I figured you might need it after the late night last night.” He said.

“Thank you! Where did you go this morning? I was upset when I didn’t see you. I thought I said something wrong yesterday or you were mad at me.”

“No, Paula dear. I ran out to get you these roses and a coffee and I was hoping to be back before you finished getting ready but while I was on my way, I ran into Mezghan. She made me explain why I have a bouquet in my hands and brought up this crazy story she heard about you and I having an affair.”

“Yeah, she just came to ask me the same thing.” I rolled my eyes and brushed the topic off like it didn’t affect me. I wish he saw that I wish I could just be with him. I never have the chance because as soon as he breaks up with one girlfriend, he’s with another. “This is so nice of you to do this. You really didn’t have to, but I love you even a little more now” I said playfully. “What explanation did you give her?”

“I told Mezghan the truth, which made her resent me a little more. She also isn’t too fond of you now, so beware of the beast.” He said rolling his eyes as well. “Paula, she has one more strike left. If she does one more thing that upsets me as seriously as she did yesterday, my engagement is off. I need you to make sure I don’t become sappy and give any more chances.”

“You have my word, Simon” I knew that I would keep my word too regardless of how much I believe in second chances. I knew Mezghan already had way too many second chances with him.

Simon deserved better, much better..

The next few months went by extremely fast and were extremely action packed. The season finale of X-Factor aired and I was extremely happy with how the show did its first season in America. I released my new ling of jewelry to QVC and it was doing exceptionally well though I felt that I spent more time on an airplane recently than I have in my own home. Things are starting to settle down and I finally have some more time to myself to complete some of the other projects that I have neglected like choreographing.

I woke up feeling so refreshed after finally sleeping in for the first time in 6 months. I couldn’t wait to spoil myself today! I met up with my sister Wendy for an afternoon of manicures and shopping at the boutiques in San Fernando Valley. 3 hours and 600 dollars later, Wendy and I sat down for a late lunch at this adorable outdoors café. I was scanning the menu for something light since I had dinner plans with L.A., Nicole, Steve, and Simon at the Palm restaurant for Simon’s 50^th birthday dinner. I was looking forward to it since I hadn’t seen much of them after the X-Factor ended.

At 8:00 p.m., I strolled into the Palm restaurant trying to scope out a familiar face. I took a seat on the bench by the entrance after asking the Maître d’ if any members from my party were here yet. I began answering tweets from fans while waiting for my friends to arrive.

“Darling, hello” I heard someone say with a British accent. I was so caught up with my phone that I didn’t realize he was already sitting next to me.

“Happy Birthday, Simon!” I squealed while reaching over to give him a hug. “Should we wait at our table for the others to arrive?”

“Sure”, he said as he led the way. “I’ve  missed you”

After some small talk about the events occurring in each of our lives, I handed him his present and urged him to open it. I wanted to get him something really special and I knew I had outdone myself on this one. I couldn’t contain the excitement and stop smiling as he removed the tissue paper and pulled out a tiny, brown leather box. “Open it”, I insisted.

“Oh my god, I love these cuff links. Thank you. But really, why did you do this! It is too much” He rambled.

“Because I love you, Simon.” I said.

The cuff links were especially made for him and I had personally designed them because I wanted them to be memorable. The top face of the cufflink was square, and there was an “X” on each one of diamonds.

“The “X” represents your success of bringing this show to America.” I explained, “There are 10 small diamonds which make up each “X” and each diamond represents 1 year that we have been friends.”

 No one else has an exact pair just like it. He has helped me out so much over the past ten years both, professionally and personally but I was also hoping that he would think of me every time he wears the cuff links. I guess Mezghan was right, I do like him a little more than just a friend. But of course.. I would never tell him that.

We talked a little until Steve, Nicole, and L.A showed up. After dinner, we were all saying our goodbyes and heading our own ways. “My car is parked in the back so I’m going to head that way. Goodnight everyone! Let’s do dinner again really soon! Happy Birthday Simon!” I said

“I parked out back too” Simon said, “I’ll walk with you Pawler. Thank you for coming everybody.” We walked away hand in hand after the goodbye hugs and kisses were over.

We walked alongside each other silently until we got around the bend. “Mezghan and I are through” Simon blurted.

“Really? As of When?” I asked sympathetically as I put my hand on his back.

“Yes. Pawler. It was exactly a week after the finale.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner, Si?”

“I just kept it to myself. The media hasn’t even caught on. I just needed to do some thinking.”

I didn’t answer. Simon always coped like this with a loss. He would keep to himself. The people who know him don’t get offended because it’s just how he’s always done it.

“I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but I have been thinking about you a lot lately.” He added after seconds of silence.

“Oh yeah? How so?”

“I’ve always fancied you. You know that. I think America might have even caught on”, he joked. “I know I have brought up the topic of you and I… and you would change the topic. I never was able to fully commit to any relationship I was in because you were always in the back of my mind. I never told you because I didn’t think you saw me in that light, but I am telling you now because after many, many years, I need to release this from inside of me.”

My stomach was doing summersaults. Did Simon just admit to having feelings for me? I thought it would never happen! I was in disbelief that I couldn’t even speak, but I agreed with everything he just said.

“Say something, anything.” Simon begged.

“I-I-I am at a loss of words. I always felt a spark between us. I think about you all the time. I just felt that you didn’t look at me like that because you always had a girlfriend. You didn’t stay single for too long in between each one.” I stammered.

“I kind of hoped that the other girls would make you jealous. I know that’s wrong, but I just always thought you would never be interested. We’re both single. Let’s see where things go. We don’t have to jump into anything. We’ll make a pact that trying this out will not affect our professional lives and more importantly, our friendship.”

“Okay” I said. We weren’t walking anymore since I had reached my car. “I’m happy that this is out in the open. I have hid these emotions for so long now and lied to so many people pretending that I look at you like an older brother. I always fantasized you as a lover.”

I couldn’t believe I was confessing my love for him. Maybe I had one too many glasses of wine that night but as everyone knows, alcohol is truth serum.

“I’m glad you feel that way” Simon said as he was looking into my eyes. “You look beautiful tonight”

I saw my driver coming around to open the back door for me.

“When will I see you again?” I asked Simon before I got into my car. We didn’t see too much of each other during the off season since he usually went back to England. “When do you leave for England?”

“I cancelled my trip to England this year. I have too much to do in America so I will probably handle my business in England over the phone. Can I take you out to dinner tomorrow?”

Surprised at Simon’s determination, I accepted the invitation. I had a dinner planned with my cousin tomorrow but I figured I would just cancel that and meet with him the day after. In that moment, I wanted to spend as much time with Simon as I possibly could.

“Get home safely, Pawler” He said while leaning in for a kiss.

 I accepted his gesture and softly kissed his lips. The kiss felt so natural, so comfortable, almost like I had done it a million times before. I have kissed him before, but only in my dreams, and for that stupid little skit we did for the season 2 finale of American Idol. I felt like he was already my boyfriend. Although the kiss didn’t last long, I knew I was making the right decision.

“Paula… Miss Paula…” my driver was almost yelling at this point “We’re here”

“Oh, of course!” I blushed. I was embarrassed. I couldn’t focus on anything around me, the noise, people, even my driver screaming my name repeatedly. I replayed the conversation in my head a hundred times until I fell asleep. Each time I envisioned our chat under the stars, I became more excited. I never wanted something to work out in my life as much as I wanted this and I knew that I would make it happen.

I could not wait until tomorrow night. I drifted off to sleep and dreamt all night about Simon. After all, I was sure that this would be the last first date I will ever go on. It had to be perfect.

“We need to take you to the hospital, Ms. Abdul, just to run some tests and clear you of any severe injuries.” The paramedic said.

“I will cooperate with you” I said, still crying, “but you need to tell me where Simon is”

I stood up and saw the mess of the accident. I was told that I was blacked out when they found me. I saw the victims of the other car being put into ambulances and taken away. Tears began falling from my face even faster as a saw the aftermath of the crash and no sign of Simon.

“Simon was already taken to the hospital before you woke up. He was hurt, but we are unsure of his status right now. We will find out for you once we reach the emergency department. He was taken to Cedar Sinai Medical Center. Is that where you would like to go as well?”

“Yes. Thank you.” I placed my hand on my head as it was pounding.

The emergency department was packed with children and adults with worried looks upon their faces. I was worried too, but not for myself. I knew these cuts would heal and the bruises would disappear but I had to know how badly Simon was injured.

I was escorted into an examination room before they would tell me any information about Simon. The nurse was a beautiful, young lady who assured me that as soon as she learned any information, she would notify me. I was pacing the examination room while they were waiting on the results of some tests I had just undergone. I would peak my head out of my room in hopes that I would see Simon standing outside telling me this was all a bad dream.

I sat back down and shut my eyes to prevent myself from crying. I had just pulled it together, but I couldn’t keep it together for long. I heard a knock on my door. I straightened myself up and wiped the tears from my face as I yelled “come in”

An older man with salt and pepper hair walked in, “Your tests were all normal, Ms. Abdul. The nurse is working on your discharge papers.”

“Thank you, doctor. Do you know the status of Mr. Simon Cowell? He was the driver of the car I was riding in.”

“I don’t know how to say this. The crash was pretty bad. Your vehicle was hit by a drunk driver. There were 3 people in the SUV that hit you. They lost control of the wheel and ended up on the wrong side of the road. It is unfortunate. Since this happened rather quickly, the paramedics believe that Simon’s head may have hit the window or dashboard when the cars collided. We think that’s a pretty good suspicion. Simon is in a coma right now, but he is breathing. He lost a fair amount of blood and we’re working on replacing it now, so maybe we will see a positive sign after. It will take a few days to tell for sure.”

I couldn’t bear to listen to anymore. “May I see him?”

“Yes, Ms. Abdul. Follow me.”

I followed the physician in a daze down a long hallway, up an elevator and around a corner until I was standing in the waiting room of the ICU.

“He’ll be in the ICU until he’s stable”, the physician said, “they’ll buzz you in. He is in room 21B.”

I was escorted inside by a nurse who showed me to his room and introduced herself as Valerie. When we got to the room, she left me alone for some alone time with Simon.

“Go inside whenever you’re ready. You can press the red button inside the room if you need anything.” Without another word, she walked down the hall into another patient’s room.

I inhaled and held my breath for a few seconds and slowly let it out. I walked inside the already opened door. Walking past bed A, which he was sharing with an older man who was fast asleep, I reached Simons bed.

At first, all I saw were all of the wires and machines connected to poor Simon’s body. I leaned against the wall and looked at his face, emotionless, his body, so still. I closed the curtain dividing the room in half, grabbed a tissue from the box located on the night stand, and sobbed until I had no more tears left inside of me.

I leaned against the wall with emotions running wild. How could god do this to me?  I wondered. He is the man I’ve truly loved for ten years. Not a day went by that I didn’t wish he was all mine. The first time I felt a real connection with him, right when I started falling head over heels for him, something tragic had to happen.

I was distraught. I touched the side of his face and worked my way up to his hair. I bent over and kissed his cheek.

“Simon, it’s me, Paula. I love you so much Simon. Please come back soon. I miss you.” I was trying to hold back tears in case he could hear what I was saying. I didn’t want him to think I was broken apart and worried. “I will be strong for you, I promise. Just hurry back.” I gave him another kiss on the cheek and then left the room to find the nurse.

“Valerie.. I have some questions about Simon. Would you be able to speak with me when you have a chance?”

“Sure. We can step into this office so we have some privacy.”

I took a seat on the maroon chair and Valerie sat down across from me.

“How long will this coma last?” I asked, unsure of if I even wanted to hear the answer.

“With comas, it’s hard to tell since each body reacts differently. His brain scan didn’t show too much damage so hopefully he comes out of it soon.”

“Fair enough. May I stay with him during the nights?”

“Sure. There is a recliner in every room which you can use and our staff can provide you with a blanket and pillow!”

“Thank you. I’m going to step out for a couple of hours so I can notify Simon’s mother who lives in England and let her know what happened and go home to clean myself up.” I was looking down at my torn clothes that I had changed back into from the flimsy hospital gown I had on earlier.

I walked outside and searched for the number of a cab service. I didn’t want to bother my driver at 3:00 AM. While waiting to be picked up, I called Simon’s mother figuring that she would be awake by now since it was 9:00 AM in England.

“Hello?”

“Hi Julie, it’s Paula”

“Paula, darling. It must be the middle of the night there. Is  everything okay?”

“I’m afraid not, but I don’t want you to worry. I have everything under control here. Please sit down?”

“Okay, dear. What is it? What happened? Is it Simon?”

“Yes. We were on our way home. We were hit by a drunk driver”

Her breathing became heavier and it quickly started like panting. I heard her hysterically crying on the other end.

“Julie” I was crying too now “He’s in a mild coma right now. I just checked on him. The nurse seemed confident that there wasn’t significant damage done to his brain”

“I’m going to take the next flight out. I need to see him”

“That’s fine. Take your time. I’ll stay with him all day and all night. Let me know when your plane will land. I will come pick you up.”

When I got home, I took a quick shower and put on jeans and a t-shirt. I grabbed a few changes of clothes in case I didn’t get the chance to leave again. I poured food and water for my Chihuahuas and promised them I’d be back soon. Not much later, I found myself back in Simon’s hospital room chatting with his neighbor, Charles, who had awoken and was eating breakfast. It was a good reality check to speak with a man battling cancer for 15 years and it gave me hope that Simon will wake up very soon, and that we would work out as a couple. Charles was taken away to get some tests done, leaving me all alone with Simon.

“Come back soon, Si. I miss you and love you so much. Your mum is on the way here, baby. Come back.”

Simon’s mom arrived the following day and we took turns staying with him and not leaving his side. I usually stayed the nights so Julie could get some rest in a more comfortable environment.

A week had passed since the accident. Simon still was in the coma, and we were all worried for his life. I woke up due to horrendous beeping and glanced up at Simon to make sure he was okay but it was hard to tell since he was just lying there so lifeless. My watch read 5:27 AM. I had only slept for 3 hours, I realized, but my sleep was constantly interrupted by thoughts about Simon. A person who I loved for the past ten years was being taken from me and I had no way of coping with it.

I kneeled down on the floor in between the recliner I was laying on and Simon’s bed.

“God, I believe that all of the obstacles placed in my life recently were so I can become a better and stronger person. I also believe that I cannot go on without knowing I can spend the rest of my life with Simon. Please answer my prayers. I really, truly do mean it when I say I won’t live without him.”

I covered myself with the flimsy blanket that the hospital provided and stared and counting the tiles on the ceiling to distract myself. I heard a ringer go off which I ignored thinking it was one of the many machines I was surrounded by but quickly remembered my phone was in my bag and my cousin was supposed to call.

“Hello?”

“Hi! Your parents told me what happened to you and Simon.”

“Um.. yeah. Sorry for cancelling our plans.”

“It’s not a problem, Paula. I just wanted to see how you were.”

“I’m okay.. exhausted, worried..”

I was interrupted by a small cough.

“I’ll call you back, I have to go.”

We hung up and I walked over to Simon’s bed. I could’ve sworn that I heard him clearing his throat but I wouldn’t believe it until I saw it. I stood over his bed and touched his face.

I saw one eyelid open really slowly followed by the second. A smile was forming on my face.

“Paula, is that you?”

“Yes. Yes! Simon! You’re okay!” I kissed him gently and told him I would be right back. I was crying tears of joy as a made my way to the nurse’s station to tell them.

After some tests, the doctor told Simon that he was okay but they would keep him in the hospital for a week for observation.

I was so grateful for the news! Simon’s mom headed back to England and I spent the remainder of his hospital stay playing every card game we both knew to keep ourselves entertained.

I woke up extremely excited.

“Why so ebullient, darling?”

“Simon! Did you forget what today was?”

“How could I forget? I finally get to leave this dump after the longest 3 weeks of my life” He said rolling his eyes acting like he knew how long those three weeks really felt.

I rolled my eyes back, “Like you know, Simon. You woke up thinking you only slept for a night.. Let’s get out of here.”

Simon was still irritable from the injury, but he was back to his normal self especially while I was telling him all the details of the accident and his hospital stay.

“Well, I guess it’s time for me to go home..”, Simon said noticing that it was already midnight.

He got up, kissed my forehead, and began walking towards the door.

“Aren’t you going to walk me out? Bloody hell. I forgot my car was totaled in the accident. I hate to ask you for a ride, but would you mind?”

“Don’t go”

“You wanted to take things slow, no?”

“I did. But after almost losing you, I know that I love you and I wouldn’t know what to do if you were not a part of my life. You are my soul mate. I spoke to you every day you were in the coma and told you that, but I’m telling you now.. for the first time.. in person.”

He leaned in and gave me the longest, most passionate kiss making me feel like a princess once again.

Picking me up with one hand behind my neck and the other arm behind my knees, he carried me upstairs and lightly tossed me on my bed, and laid his body on top of mine.

I woke up the next morning covered in sweat. None of the clothes that I had gotten into bed in were still around my body. It was the best sex I had ever had in my life. I felt that the part of me I was missing was finally there.

I leaned my head against Simon’s chest and laid there listening to his rhythmic heart beats.

After some time, I quietly got out of the bed and went to take a shower hoping I wouldn’t wake him because I wanted to make him a lovely breakfast this morning since he hadn’t eaten in weeks and was significantly thinner.

I put on the first pair of jeans I saw and a white blazer over a blank sequined tank top. I tiptoed out of the room, turning around to peak at Simon curled up in a ball snoozing away. I figured we could do something fun outdoors to make up for all the time spend inside that damned hospital.

I flipped on the television while cutting up a bunch of fruit to accompany the egg and cheese sandwich that was cooking in the frying pan but quickly turned it off after hearing all of the rumors people were presenting about the car accident. Thank goodness it was still unknown that I was in the car with him or that I spent every waking moment on the recliner in his hospital room. Sometimes, things are better left unknown.

I placed everything on a tray and went on upstairs to wake Simon up.

As I reached the top step, I heard Simon talking.

“I know, Mezghan. It is unfortunate.”

Silence. She was probably talking now.

“I do care about you but..”

I didn’t want to hear what Simon was going to say next. I confessed my feelings for him last night, and made sweet love to him. Why was he talking to his ex fiancé the morning after? I walked back into the living room, picked up Thumbelina, and cuddled her as tears rolled down my face.

I heard my bedroom door open and close which meant Simon was on his way down. I ran into the bathroom so he wouldn’t see me crying. I had to make sense of this in my head before I confronted Simon so for now, I was going to act like everything was okay.. or try to.

“Paulaaaaa” I heard him yell, “Paula, darling. Are you down here? Paula?”

“I’m in the bathroom, I’ll be right out!”

As I walked out, he gave me a hug. “Last night was amazing, don’t you think?”

“Yeah.”

“You know when you said that you used to speak to me while I was in my coma? I think I heard you. It sounded like you were so far away but I heard everything you and my mum said.”

“Really?”

“Why the one word answers, Paula?”

“No reason, I made breakfast. Are you hungry?”

“Yes, starving. Thank you dear.”

He followed me into the kitchen. While we were eating, he told me about what his mom said about making sure he doesn’t lose me. It melted my heart to know Simon’s mom may be wishing for something that may not happen anymore because he might still be in love with Mezghan.

“You are barely touching your food!”

“I guess I wasn’t as hungry as I thought I was.” I said hoping he would stop questioning me, but of course, with my luck, the questions came flying out quicker than I could answer them.

“I know you, darling. I know you’re lying. What is it? Whatever it is, I will always love you. No matter what. Now tell me, I might be able to help.”

I took a deep breath. “Are you lying to me, Simon?”

Simon seemed frustrated “What do you mean, Paula? We had such a great night.. we haven’t talked since yesterday. What could I have possibly done wrong between then and now?”

I had to tell him, I thought. “I was bringing this breakfast up to you in bed” I said pointing to the array of food that was now on the table not being touched, “and as I was walking, I heard you talking to Mezghan.”

“She calls me, Paula. What did you want me to do? Ignore her?” He started getting defensive which worried me a little more. It was a simple statement that I wish he just clarified, but instead, his temper began to flare.

“You said calls, so clearly this happens more than just this one time. See what I mean Simon, I try not to move fast because I know I will end up hurt. I thought you were different.”

“Calm down!” I saw his face turning red. “Don’t you still talk to JT? Wouldn’t you help him out if he needed you? Don’t you care about him?”

“I would help him out. Heck, I would help anyone out! But that doesn’t mean I still care about him enough to speak with him on the phone frequently! Especially not right after sleeping with somebody that I cared about. Do you care, Simon? Or is this all an act? Because from what you told me about your breakup, it seemed as if you guys were complete opposite ends of the spectrum and you wouldn’t even be friends so where is this friendship coming from? Is there something I don’t know?”

“Stop being jealous.” He called me jealous. JEALOUS?! Did he not understand how ANY NORMAL person would react the same way I did?

“Are you really going to turn this around on me now, Simon? You made the mistake of telling her you still care about her.” This was the first time I yelled at him about something not work related.

“You made the mistake of eavesdropping.” He lowered his voice and said.

I was still screaming. “So basically.. what you’re telling me is that I made a mistake bringing you breakfast after a night that I thought was wonderful.. clearly you didn’t see it the same way. I’m a bad person for overhearing a conversation that you were having and I’m being irrational for getting upset? Are you crazy? I can’t believe you had no intention of telling me that you spoke with her. I guess its good I “eavesdropped” or whatever you like to call it. I would’ve never known the truth otherwise. You must think I’m stupid.”

“You are unbelievable. Why are you dragging this out? Just accept the fact that I talk to her and care about her. I care about all my exes. That doesn’t mean I’m going to go back to them or sleep with them or anything. You know that more than anyone.”

I felt like I was talking through a brick wall. He was so stubborn! “Your other exes didn’t start rumors about you, Si. Or me. Your other break ups were different. I’m done arguing with you. This isn’t going anywhere. I think you should leave.”

“But Paula…”

“Simon, I can’t do this. I tried with you. We lasted a month without arguing.. and you were in a coma for three weeks of that time.” The frustration and anger was apparent in my voice.

“Stop saying that. You barely gave it a chance.”

“I want to so badly give you a chance. How am I supposed to when you admit to caring about another woman?”

He tried calming me down.  “Let’s sit down”

“I don’t want to sit. Tell me what you have to say, and then please leave. I’ve said what I had to and quite frankly, I don’t think anything you say is going to change my mind.”

“Think about it. I am going to apologize to you for the harsh things I said today like the jealously and eavesdropping thing. It was out of anger and I didn’t mean it.”

“Simon… I just need time”

“Call me when you want to see me.”

I nodded as I opened my door and I asked my driver to bring him home.

The next week went by. Simon tried calling me a few times and leaving voicemails telling me he misses me and that this was a whole big misunderstanding. I just couldn’t pick up or return any phone calls because I didn’t know where this relationship was going. I felt betrayed and lied to even though I had no right to feel that way. I was pretty sure I was his girlfriend, but neither of us had ever made it official so was I even allowed to feel possessive? Was Simon right? Was the only reason I was upset he was talking to Mezghan was because I was jealous?

 I forced the one man that I saw a future with out of my life. I am so stupid, I thought. Why am I acting all dramatic, like I’m in high school again? Of course he’s allowed to have friends, even if they are females. Who do I think I am that I could stop him? I thought about him every night before I went to sleep leading to a week of sleepless nights, and all day long causing me to be unproductive all day. I barely left my house the entire week just sulking in my sorrows. This was not me.. I was usually optimistic and happy! I felt heartbroken even though it was my decision to send him away and I so badly wished I could just build up the courage to face him but I was dreading the fact that I may hear something I didn’t want to.

It was 9 days after the argument and I hadn’t seen him or spoken to him. Today we had a press conference discussing changes for season 2 of the X Factor. I walked in the studio a little late hoping I could just run straight to hair and makeup leaving very little spare time for me to run into him and have the conversation I was trying to avoid.

My plan was being executed perfectly. I had my hair styled and makeup applied before I made my way to my dressing room. I walked inside and quickly closed and locked the door behind me. So far, so good. We have a half hour left and I’ve seen no signs of Simon, I thought. Maybe he was trying to avoid me as well but I know him better than that and that is something he would never do.

I began putting on the beautiful cream colored short sleeved dress embellished with rhinestones and slipped on a pair on stockings since the dress wasn’t exactly long. I decided on black pumps which complemented my dress and the pin in my hair. As I was sliding my foot into the second shoe, I heard a knock on my door.

“Coming!”, I screamed, thinking it was probably Nicole. We always met up in either of our dressing rooms before any event. It was sort of a ritual.

I opened the door with a huge smile on my face which slowly faded when I saw that Simon was standing in my doorway.

“Can we talk?” He didn’t wait for an answer, he just walked into my dressing room and turned around to face me.

“Sure” and pointed at the couch.

“Paula. I was wrong. You’re completely right and I should have looked at things from your perspective before accusing you of being jealous. You’ve been hurt many times before and you didn’t need it from me.”

“Simon” I smiled a little, “I think th-“

He interjected, “No, please Paula. Listen. I need to swallow my pride and admit when I am wrong. I guess I was so afraid that you would react the way that you did and I was scared to tell you that she calls me. I don’t know how much of the conversation you heard, but I told her that I cared about her, but I was seeing someone else, so our relationship couldn’t be the same. I should’ve just told you about the phone calls because I know what type person you are and you probably wouldn’t have minded had I explained myself and I’m sorry for hiding them. You had every reason to react the way that you did. I should have never said you eavesdropped either. Or called you jealous. Or listened to you and left that day. I didn’t want to stay because I thought you’d become more angry. Anyways, I’m just sorry.”

“Simon! Wow! Take a breath, sweetheart!” I was beyond relieved that we were seeing eye to eye. “I forgive you. I should have listened to you try to explain yourself, so I’m sorry too. I would have been fine if I heard the rest of the conversation about you telling her you were seeing someone. You were talking about me.. right..?

“Who else would I be talking about?” He smiled as he pulled me in for one of his tight hugs that I loved oh so much. “I am still mad at you though..”

“Why?” I asked, my heart beating a little faster.

“Because you avoided me!” He said lightheartedly while giggling. I giggled back and got on my tip toes to give him a kiss.

“I avoided you because you are the most complicated man that I have ever met in my life.” I said in between kisses.

“I love you, Paula.”

“I love you back, Si.” He leaned in for another kiss, this one, much more passionate than the first.

We must’ve forgot to lock the door. It flew open before Simon or I could release our holds on each other and outside stood Mezghan.

Mezghan had caught me off guard. I was so startled by her tall, slim figure tapping her foot rapidly as I walked out. She was standing by my garage door like it was normal and acting like she inhabited the place instead of me.

“What are you doing here?” I didn’t want to sound too confrontational because I hadn’t had an issue with her besides that incident in my dressing room many months ago. Heck, I hadn’t even spoken to her since, but I didn’t like the threats she was making toward Simon jeopardizing his reputation that he has worked so diligently to make successful. Also, I could not fathom why a person would intentionally try to spark controversy about the father of the baby.

“I’m here to tell you to stay away. I will make you stay away”

“Mezghan, what have I done to you or the relationship that you once had with Simon. I never interfered between you two, and I was a huge supporter of you both regardless of what my personal opinions were.”

“Everything was going so well from after you left idol until this new show started. You stole him away and you had all the intention to do it. You just couldn’t wait to get your filthy hands on him, lure him into believing you’re a sweet little innocent angel and convincing him that I am a bad girlfriend on all accounts. Stop lying. I can see right through you, transparent little whore.”

“First of all, don’t put words in my mouth. I said no such things about you, you know why? Not because I feel that you are an amazing person, but I would never put down the person that Simon was dating. If he was happy, I would be happy. When he wasn’t happy, he made his own decisions which I had absolutely nothing to do with.”

“Listen, slut…”

“No. You let me finish. I did not know you broke up until a month or so ago. I hadn’t seen him since the finale of the X Factor. I did not pull him away from you, sweetheart.. he ran away when he realized that you are a bitter, nasty, and crude person. You’re the transparent one. I can see right through you right now.”

“Are you done talking?”

“Yes. For now.”

“Well I haven’t started yet so listen up.”

“I have to be at work, so I’m done listening.” I didn’t know where my lack of manners and rudeness came from.

“Whatever”, Mezghan rolled her eyes as she turned around to walk towards her car. “I guess you can’t handle truth.”

“If you’re so fond of the truth, maybe you should incorporate it into your life and start speaking it.” I shot back.

“This isn’t over. Just you wait.”

I didn’t even care enough to bring myself down to her level so I closed my car door and waited for her to leave before me until I pulled out. What nerve of her to yell at me in front of my own house, on my property and expect me to take it! I was quite proud of my reaction and not being used as a doormat for once in my life.

I decided to tell Simon as soon as I got to the studio. I knocked on his dressing room door and hurried inside before waiting for an answer because I heard Mezghan around the corner talking to someone about some new makeup thing.

“What a nice surprise, Pawler”

“It was a desperate act to hide from your ex, Mr. Cowell. Don’t get too excited. I would not think of gracing you with my presence this early in the day.” I said jokingly as I placed a kiss carefully his freshly shaven cheek.

He smiled, “What’s the occasion, then?”

“It’s not a fun occasion. You’ll probably hate it, but don’t lose your cool, promise?”

“What is it, Paula. I’m not promising anything about not losing my cool because I can’t guarantee I won’t get upset.” He paused, “Especially after that look of worry clearly showing on your face”

“Well, I’ve got no makeup on. You’re being deceived to see things that aren’t really there.” I tried playing off my frustration.

I guess it didn’t work because Simon crossed his arm and motioned for me to sit down on the couch. I say on the arm rest of the lavish white leather sofa that he had and he sat on the coffee table across from me close enough. He reached out a hand and I intertwined my fingers in between his.

“Okay” I started, “Mezghan was at my house this morning. It was slightly creepy and stalker-ish, dare I say. She was waiting for me outside my garage door tapping her little high heeled boot a mile a minute.” I told him the rest of the story, but the more I spoke, the angrier he seemed to get.

“I don’t know why she’s involving you. You shouldn’t have to go through this. I will speak with her first thing after our meetings today.”

I said okay and continued getting ready in my own dressing room. The meeting had come and gone with no major events. All of us judges were hanging out during the intermission outside the room when Mezghan walked by. She did the “mature” thing to do and sighed loudly while walking past us making no acknowledgement of her former friends and coworkers standing right there in plain sight.

Ugh! I really could not stand her. Just seeing her sent a burst of anger through me for some reason. No one was ever able to make me so irritated but the sight of her made petulance come so naturally to me.

After the show, Simon tried to find her around the studio but he was notified that she had left for the day but Simon reassured me that he would meet with her first thing tomorrow. After a quick goodbye kiss, Simon went to his office to complete some paperwork and I left the studio as well since I had dinner plans at my parent’s house. I was finally going to tell them about Simon and I couldn’t wait. My mom and dad always teased me about my TV husband and I had a feeling that they approved of him because they constantly tortured me with a million questions about him every time I saw them.

Dinner went better than I had anticipated. Wendy also joined us and I filled them in on my life and casually mentioned seeing Simon on the side when I wasn’t working. They couldn’t be more thrilled with the fact that I was finally spending time with the man who’s love I craved, the person who made me smile, even on my worst days.

On my way home, I called Simon and told him about the wonderful news about my parents adoring the idea of us seeing one another.

“That’s really wonderful, Pawler.”

“You’ll have to come meet them one day, Si!” I was so enthusiastic, “Anyways, I just pulled in. Go to bed, you sound exhausted.”

“Alright. I miss you, love”

“Miss you too, Simey. Goodnight”

My door wouldn’t budge while I was twisting the key so I pulled it out to make sure I had the right one. Before I could try again, my front door was being held wide open by a furious Mezghan.

“You had your chance to get rid of him. Things seemed better than ever between you today. So now, I’m going to get rid of you.”

“HELP! HELP! HELP!” I screamed at the top of my lungs hoping my loud, piercing screams would wake one of my neighbors.

My jaw must have hit the floor as I quickly pulled myself off of Simon and took three steps back before I opened my mouth to speak.

“Oh.. Hi.”

“I knocked, but I’m guessing you didn’t hear me. You both look busy” She said in a shrill tone. She turned around and walked out the way she came in and quickly disappeared down the hall.

Simon and I were both looking at our feet.

“Maybe I should go talk to her” I said trying to get around Simon before Mezghan got too far.

“Now why would you do that, Paula? So she can talk you out of seeing me? You know that’s what she will do, right?”

“I wouldn’t fall for it, though.” I was hoping our disagreement wouldn’t lead to another argument. “She never walks in my dressing room. Maybe it was important.”

“You stay right here. I’ll go talk to her.”

“Okay” I closed the door behind him as he left.

Slowly, I began walking to the conference room hoping I wouldn’t run into a furious Mezghan.

LA, Nicole, Simon and I planned to meet after the conference to film a commercial for Season 2 of X factor. Simon bolted out of the conference before I could ask him what went on between him and Mezghan. After aimless searching around the studio for 15 minutes, I was unable to find him so I gave up and went to grab some coffee with Nicole and LA.

I picked up a black coffee for Simon suddenly feeling guilty for leaving him and we started walking back towards the studio. I was laughing so hard at the jokes LA was making about some auditions from last season that I forgot about all of my problems but I was quickly reminded when I saw Simon pacing near the entrance of the studio talking on his cell phone with a serious look on his face.

I casually walked up to him holding the coffee out in front of me signaling that it was for him.

“Mum, I have to go” Pause. “Okay, Mum.” Pause again. “Bye. I love you too.”

He slowly turned to my taking the hot coffee out of my hand. LA and  Nicole were already inside.

“For me?” He asked looking down at the coffee.

“Black. Just the way you like it.”

“Thank you”

“No problem, Si. Is your mom alright?” I asked reluctantly. I saw a look of worry in his face when he was talking to his mother. “You looked concerned when you were on the phone.”

“No. I’m fine, she’s fine, we’re all fine.” Simon said putting his arm around my waist, although he didn’t sound too convinced.

Simon started whining about staying here after hours because he had business to take care of. What other business could he have? This is his biggest project right now, I thought. We’ve known about this filming for a while now! Why was he acting so weird?

His mind seemed elsewhere for the rest of the evening. He was forgetting his lines (which he usually would get “angry” at me for. Paula! You’re delaying us from leaving. You have one small line! or I expect one little thing from you but you’re too busy prancing like a little poodle to pay attention and get it right! or my favorite one, I have places to go, girls to see, Paula! Speed things up! Of course he was always only joking trying to get a reaction out of me and I never took it seriously. I knew today was probably not a good day to joke around with him. Between the confrontation in my dressing room with Mezghan and the serious look of concern after speaking with his mum, I knew tonight was not the best night.

“Take a 5 minute break before we shoot the last clip” The director announced.

I caught up to Simon who was on his way to the bathroom.

“Hey! Wait up, Si! You seem like you need a drink.. or two.. or five” I said. “Come over after the show tonight? We’ll have some wine, watch a movie, cuddle, have some late night fun?” I was rubbing my hand on his chest hoping he would say yes.

“Not tonight, sweetheart. Something came up. I’ll make it up to you. Promise”

“Oh. Okay. That’s fine. I was only suggesting, you know, because you.. seemed.. unlike yourself.”

“Thank you for caring, darling. I’ll be okay. I just need to straighten something out.”

We all walked out, got in our respective cars and drove off.

I decided to stop by my sister’s house. I mean, if Mezghan saw us kissing, I’m sure all of the staff behind the scenes know by now and someone who’s seeking a little attention and money will probably sell it to the media anytime now..

I rolled my eyes. This was the part of being in the public eye that I absolutely hated. Personal business spreads faster than the common cold.

Wendy was pretty supportive of my decision to be dating Simon. When I told her about him acting all weird today, she told me I was over analyzing, and he probably has something to do for one of the million other things he’s working on right now. I wanted to believe she was right, but in this case, I knew it was more than that.

I was pulling into my driveway when my phone started buzzing.

“Hello?” I said without checking to see who it was

“Paula. Are you still free?” It was Simon.

“Sure. Come on over!” I was delighted. This is a step in the right direction I thought, maybe he was just having a rough day and needed 5 minutes to himself to wind down.

“Why don’t I pick you up? You haven’t seen my new place yet.”

“Alright! I’ll be waiting!”

“See you soon, love.”

We got back to Simon’s house and after the prerequisite tour, we settled down on his couch with a nice glass of wine and some cheese to snack on. We were laughing hysterically at a re run of Scrubs.

“Did you get a chance to talk to Mezghan?” I asked him during the commercial break.

“Well I tried chasing her after I left your dressing room, but I couldn’t get a hold of her and then I just came to the meeting otherwise I would have been late. I tried calling her though, and she told me she wanted to talk to me, but she would rather do it in person. I told her we can talk in my dressing room tomorrow before work.

I was pleased about him being really honest with me regarding his conversation with Mezghan. I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“I wonder why she knocked on my dressing room.. and not yours since she wanted to talk to you.”

“I know her, Paula. She wanted to know about us.. She wanted to see if you and I were together. She never liked the idea of you and me, you know.”

“Yeah”

With that, the conversation was over and we started watching the show again until the doorbell rang.

The doorbell rang. I moved my head off of Simon’s chest and watched him walk towards the front door. I followed behind wondering who would ring the doorbell this late during the night.

“Mezghan, what are you doing here?”

“I need to tell you something, Simon”

“I thought we discussed tomorrow?”

“Yes, but it couldn’t wait.”

“Okay” Simon sounded exasperated “Come in” Simon said moving out of the way.

Simon and I exchanged glances as Mezghan went to sit down at the dining table.

“Mezghan, what is it” Simon coaxed as he pulled out and sat in the chair across the one Mezghan was seated on. He pointed to the one next to him acknowledging to me that I should take a seat as well.

“Well. Simon. This is awkward.. but I’m just going to say it” She buried her head in her two hands that were propped up by her elbows on the table.

Simon looked at me as he moved his right arm onto my lap.

“I-I’m pregnant” She muttered

“You what?” Simon jumped up, “When did this happen?, How?”

“Well” She was looking at me now, probably to notice my reaction, “I just found out two days ago and I had to tell you. There is no way that I could take care of this baby alone.”

I interrupted Mezghan who was now hysterically crying. “Um.. I’m going to step out. Give you two some time alone to talk..” I said as I was standing up. Both their eyes followed me as I was walking outside the dining room.

“Wait for me in the living room, Paula.” Simon said before he turned back to Mezghan.

From the living room, I heard them talking, although the voices were faint. I could only tell when he was speaking versus her by the deep, manly voice he had as opposed to her more high-pitched tone. She did most of the talking.

10 minutes had passed. I flipped on the TV to occupy my mind with something else but thoughts were flowing through my mind at such an immense speed. How could I be with someone who had just gotten somebody else pregnant? If my timing was correct, Simon broke up with her almost six months ago so he had to have slept with her sometime after their break up.

My eyes were fixated on the silver wall clock conveniently placed behind is television. Each second seemed to take forever to pass and minutes felt like hours. After five minutes of waiting, I wrote Simon a little note.

Simon –
I think we need to talk as well.
Call me tomorrow.
–Paula

I left Simon’s place without him noticing I left and started driving home. I brewed a hot cup of tea and snuggled up next to my puppies. Times like this when I was feeling alone, I wished I had a family to come home to. An hour had passed since Mezghan had rung Simon’s doorbell ruining a perfect night in with the man that I loved.

A nice hot bath should do the trick, I thought. I closed my eyes and took in the aroma of the Jasmine candles I had lit around me. I just dried myself off and put on my silk pajamas that were probably the most comfortable things on the planet when I heard my doorbell go off followed by knocking.

“Who is it?” I asked through the intercom system from my room. I grabbed my phone in case it was an emergency and I needed to dial for help, but when I heard that familiar British accent I could recognize from a million miles away, I felt more comfortable.

“Coming!”, I said as I quickly ran to answer the door wondering why he was here so late.

“I saw your note, Paula”

“Yeah, I just didn’t think it was my place to be there and I didn’t want to over analyze the situation before talking to you.”

“She is pregnant.. She claims that she hasn’t slept with anyone since me, and she want’s my help raising the baby.” He said nodding his head left and right.

“Well, first of all, congratulations! You’re having your first child, Simon!”

“I know. I was hoping it would be with you. But Paula, I haven’t slept with her since 4 months now. We did have a moment of intimacy a couple of months after we ended our relationship but not anytime recently.”

“That is weird. She’s skinny as could be. There is absolutely no way that she is already 4 months along in the pregnancy.”

“I think she’s lying. I think the baby isn’t mine. She couldn’t even look directly into my eye when she told me. I asked her if we could make sure it is definitely our baby by asking if I could take a DNA test. She stormed out and said some crazy, deluded things as she slammed the door and left.”

“She’s insane! What are you going to do Simon?”

“I don’t know. She wants to go to the media about this and it could really ruin my reputation if I claim that the baby isn’t mine, especially after the sob story she has made up about the reason we broke up.”

“Aww, Simon. Don’t worry. Everything will fall into place. Maybe you can talk to her when she calms down a little and she will agree to a paternity test. Mathematically, going by what you say, it doesn’t make sense that the baby would be yours.”

“She’s off her trolley, darling. She will make it look like that unborn child is mine and she absolutely will make up any lies she can to get there.”

“I wish there was something I could do.. to you know, make this situation a little bit better and more easier for you. I understand how hard it is being accused of something you are not responsible for.”

“Yes, sweetheart. You’re a strong, mighty person for a little one.” His adorable little smiles made me forget all about the unfolding drama.

“I’m tired, Simey. Can we continue our conversation in bed?”

He followed me upstairs and we got under the freshly laundered covers. I cuddled up close to him while he was running his fingers through my hair. We talked a little bit more about Mezghan and her antics as well as her tendencies to lie and use others in the past. Simon has a very low bullshit tolerance, I thought. I wonder why he took it from her for such a long time and went as far as engaging her. Simon had a type. All his past girlfriends were similar. All except Mezghan.

Simon woke me up at 5:30 AM and told me he had to meet with a recording artist at 7:00. He kissed my forehead before leaving putting a smile on my face.

“I’ll lock the door on the way out, darling.” He said as I rolled around and threw off my covers. “I’ll take the spare keys and give them back to you later on at the studio. Sleep in, love. It’s your morning off.”

“I love you, Si.”

He was gone and I fell back to sleep until I received a text message from an unknown number.

I will not let you get in the way of Simon, me, and the new baby. You’ve done enough damage causing this breakup. Now end your relationship with him, before I do.

What was this? I thought. Obviously it was from Mezghan, but I had no idea what she meant by the damage I caused and what my relationship with Simon had anything to do with a baby that wasn’t even his.

I knew I should call Simon but he was in the middle of a meeting that I knew was very important to him and the last thing I wanted to do was worry him. It could wait until the studio.

I threw my phone back on its charger next to my bed and got ready for the production meeting at the studio.

After making sure my puppies had enough food and water for the remainder of the day, I grabbed my phone, purse, and keys before I ran out the door and straight into Mezghan.